I have tried multiple times in my life to start over. My family moved a lot and always thought things were going to be better. Or I decided one day I would do things different and never really did. But that never happened because you can’t move away from your problems they will always fallow. The only way to start over fresh and new is by working through those problems you are so desperately anxious to get away from. Accept that they are a problem that is holding you back, figure out how to be relieved of them, and then move on.
This is what I am currently working on. I have figured out that I cannot run from my problems any more. I need to turn around and face them head on. I can’t let them effect my life anymore. I have now realized I can’t do this by just shoving them down and ignoring them because this is not how you deal with a problem in a healthy way, although it is the solution most people find easiest. I need to pull those problems up one by one and make peace with them. Then I can move on and start over.
I have started this process by going to a councilor on a weekly basis. i have only gone to see her twice but I think she will be very beneficial to my recovery. She was able to help me pin point some of my issues that I need help with on the first meeting. And has also thought of some way to help me move forward. I am really excited to see how my recovery plan plays out and how it will help me to become a better more stable person in the long run.
Another thing I have started to do is apologies to the people in my life I have hurt and caused pain. I have written letters to the people I have called my enemies for so long telling them I forgive them for all the hurt they have caused me, and I am sorry for all the pain I have caused them. This way I can be free from that holding me down. If they don’t accept the apology then at least I tried and I did my part.
I’m still working on the letter apologies for my family members, my sister, my aunt, my mom, my grandma, my grandpa, my other aunts, even my little cousins who at the time I didn’t realize I had effected them but I did. I am the example to them and I failed to provide them with a good example. So I even owe them an apology.
With my friends it’s going to be a little bit different. A lot of them I miss behaved with. We got into trouble with each other. I’m not sure how to apologies to them, it’s still a work in progress. But somehow I will get there and figure it out.
I must also apologies to myself. Let myself feel the pain I feel and tell myself it is ok to feel that way. Then learn from it.
I have realized that as a child I was not the most considerate of other people’s feelings and that was not a good thing. I was rather very selfish and somewhat coincided. I didn’t think about how my choices would affect those around me and how it would later portray me. I wanted so badly to be thought of as an adult and to be treated like one, but how was this possible when everything I was doing was so childish. I would defy those who had authority over me. I would rebel against anyone who tried to put structure in my life. I pushed away the people who loved and cared about me, and if anyone tried to offer help to me I would be resistant. I would cause chaos for anyone who didn’t give me my way. I was very manipulative, deviant, destructive, troubled. I cannot say that I am completely free of those behaviors but I am now trying to work on making them less noticeable. Keep them under control and not use them for bad.
Even though most people didn’t see it and I didn’t realize it myself all this behavior was a despite cry for help. And not the kinds of help people were trying to offer. I didn’t want the depression pills they were trying to force down my thought, I didn’t want to be put into counseling, and I didn’t need to take life skill classes, or those darn rehab classes either. I put up walls and guards to see who was brave enough to challenge me and brake them down. To see who truly cared enough to put all judgment aside and find out why it was that I was the way I was. All I wanted was for one person in this world to sit me down and say
“Look I know life is not easy, you are struggling to find your place. You feel misunderstood, rejected, judged wrongly, and you feel treated unfairly. But its ok. Its ok to feel how you feel. You don’t need to cause pain for everyone else around you though. You need to realize what it is that is causing you to act this way and fix it.”
Nobody said this to me exactly like this, but there was one person who said it without words. He is what I would say the male version of me. he had all the same behaviors I had. This person is my boyfriend, Jonny. Watching him and how he reacted to everything made me see myself. He helped me to realize what I needed to do differently in my life. Knowing all the struggles he had been through in his life time made me realize my struggles had contributed to my bad behavior. Seeing how much pain he brought to his step dad and his mother made me think about how much pain I had caused my mom, and grandparents. Hearing the sad, disappointed tone in his younger brother’s voice when I told him his big brother went to jail made me realize how much pain I had brought to my sister and my aunt who I think of as a sister. The way his best friend reacted the day we were told he was going to prison for two years made me realize the pain I had brought upon my friends. It brought so much pain to me knowing I had done this. I had been a terrorist in the hearts of so many people. I had let them down, torn down so much hope, lost trust, even some respect. But in knowing I wasn’t the only person who was going through this, that he was so much like me, it actually gave me hope. We would help each other to be better people. I guess that is what love is all about, not finding the perfect person in the world, because its not like, oh we are in love so everything is wonderful and perfect. No people still argue and have bad moments. Love is about finding that one person who makes you want to do better, to be better, and will help you to do that. To never give up on you, even when things get rough, they stick by you and motivate you to move forward. That’s exactly what he does for me. he is even able to do this from prison, that’s how amazing he is. Simple words in ink on paper that mean so little to other people mean the world to me. I don’t know where I would be without his encouragement and love in each letter he sends. I know if I keep trying to become a better person so will he and that will keep me moving forward. I will admit he is not perfect, but he is the perfect match for me.
By meeting him and developing this relationship it has been so beneficial to me. even though people think he brings me down and brings out the worst in me, and maybe at first this was true, I know it really is not. I just needed time to play it out and put together the pieces and realize he was the help I needed. The one person I never saw shy away from me because I was not perfect or because what I was doing was “wrong”. He saw me for what I was, broken, not what everyone else saw me as. He knew I was a mangled torn apart soul that needed mending. Unconditional love, support, given trust in what I was doing.
It took me almost two years to put together those pieces. I believe the pieces to this puzzle were always there. I just needed someone to help me put it all together. But now that I have them and I understand what I have done and the results of it, I can accept it, take it all as a lesson and move forward.
I believe Life is like a board game. We are all little game pieces put on this board we call earth. Taking chances, like rolling a dice, to see how far we move forward. Sometimes it good and we get pretty far, sometimes it’s an ok move, other times we fall back a few spaces and have to work that much harder to move forward again, but this only makes us stronger. And other times we lose a turn, but this doesn’t need to be taken badly, maybe losing a turn is good. it’s given to us as a time to look around us, look at how far we have come, how much further we have to go. Think about what we did in the past and how we have grown from it. And apply it to how we live out our future. The only difference between real life and a board game is that in real life we only get to play one game. Once our game is put away in its box, such as a coffin, there is no taking it out again and starting over. The game is ended and that’s it.
So I am glad I have realized all this so early in life. Because some people never realize it, they go on living life thinking it’s a board game that can be replayed. They go on hurting people and being selfish, just as I was. And it’s sad. Truly heart breaking.
So I am going to accept the fact that I am not perfect, in fact I’m far from it. perfection is evil. People are so obsessed with the thought of being perfect that they lose sence of what really matters in life. Like the little things we take for granted. The smell of a rose, or the smell of a first rain in a long time. How delicious the first cookie out of the oven really is. The feeling you get when you smile at a stranger passing by on the street and they smile back. How cute a litter of kittens or puppies are. When someone takes time out of their life to help a less fortunate person even though they don’t have to. The time shared with a loved one. The happy ending to a mostly sad movie. The innocence of a baby. Those are all things close to perfect. But me? I am broken, but not unfixable. i just need to be given time and patience, and even a little TLC in order to bounce back. It’s not going to be easy, but it is possible. Life tragitys are full of lessons, they just need to be found. I just have to face the truth now. Stop hiding from it and thinking I can out run it. it’s going to catch up to me sooner or later so it might as well be sooner. That way I can get over it all and be a better person.. Get the real fresh start I have been craving.
