Milkshakes anyone???

I gotta RAT!!! yes a rat. like the little cratures with a tail that run around the streets eatting anything and everything they can get their paws on. yep a rat. only my rat is cute, nice, and friendly. he doesnt bite. and hes small and adorable.

Milkshake eatting a piece of dog food!!!

his name is milkshake. well it is rite now. that may change at any moment when me and my roommate think of something better. but for now he is Milkshake. why? because for the last atleast a month we have been feening for milkshakes from Denny's. we have tryed multiple times to get them but you see we have a few problems:
A. lack of money to buy them!
B. no one will take us to get them!
yes we could walk but we still have no money, so we need someone to drive us and also pay for them, quite the delima. so we decided to name the rat Milkshake as like an inside joke.

but he is really cute. every time we open the cage he is always rite at the door way trying to climb out. and he doesnt bite!!! which is amazing because we can hold him.

i got him, his huge cage, a wheel, a food dish, a water bottle, a full bag of bedding, and a little bit of treats for only $20. when at the store bran new all of it would probably be like $200. so im really excited!

im going to teach him tricks like to come to his name, to fetch, and anything else you can teach a rat. its going to be really fun!

did you know that you can get rats nutured??? i just learned this today. so i think i am going to get him nutured, becuase it keeps down that gross smell of urine and also keeps them from doing boyish behaviors, it also helps with aggression(which is not his problem). im going to call around to different vets in my area and see if they even nuture rats and how much it will cost. its going to be very interesting to see what i find out!

i like him a lot. he is quite cute and entertaining! he just makes my life better!

well goodnight loves,

XoXo BabyyGurl!!!

     

A Call From Jonny!!!!

so yesterday Jonny called me. not from an illegal cell phone in the prison but from a prison pay phone. he used his friends account to call his friends wife and she 3 wayd the call over to me.

it made me so happy hearing from him. i hadnt heard his voice in like 5 months. it instintly put a smile on my face and gave me butterflies. but it also made me miss him so much more. like i wanted to be able to be next to him but i couldnt. but still im really glad i got to hear from him. he is doing really good(well for being in prison). he says the prison he is in now is a lot better then High Desert.

he took his GED test last week and finds out if he passed next week. if he did pass he could be getting out in may instead of july. so i really hope he passed. im pretty sure he did. but im not getting my hopes up, im still saying he is getting out in july just incase.

i really hope he calls again soon or is able to because it will make things alot easier. even if i can only talk to him for 12 minutes. its still really nice hearing his voice. it reassures me that everything is going to be ok.

5 more months! thats all that is left now. 5 more months!!!

well live on young ones

BabyyGurl!!!

Fear Factor!!!

im sitting here with my cuzin Tristen watching Fear Factor! they are currently eatting scorpions. i cant imagine what that must be like. to feel them inside your mouth squirming around and stinging you. the gross taste of their blood ang guts surrounding your mouth. ewww gross!!!! icky icky no no!!!
my cuzin is freaking out with how gross it is. eatting those little creatures. its quit entertaining.

earlier we watched one where they had to drink coffee with either, flys, tomato worms, or stink bugs, and sour milk. it was so gross. i dont even want to think about what it would be like to have to drink that. i would think that the flys would be the easiest because they were dead so they couldnt fly away. they would be easiest because they wouldnt be squirming around. the tomato bugs would be the worst because they are so big and gross. plus i can just imagine the noise and the feeling of biting into these gross little bigs, the queeck!!! it would be terrible. the stink bugs would be really gross also because they would be crunch and smelly. ewwww!!!!!

another episode we watched they had to search in a pool of cows blood and find cow hearts. then they took turns using theyre mouths to throw the hearts into a bucket about 2 feet away from the pool. it looked so cross. a big pool of cows blood. ewww!!!! like a crime scene. and thinking about having a cows heart in your mouth is pretty gross also. not as gross as the other two things i dont think but thats only because i have a massive fear of bugs! expecially spiders!!!!

if i ever had to do anything like that with spiders i think i would cry and scream. maybe have a heart attack and die!!! i hate those little 8 legged creatures! with like 200 eyes that all stare at you! and it seems like every time i find one in my house or where ever they chase me and stare at me. i get all grossed out and feel like they are crawling on me! i dont like touching the ground and jump up on the nearest thing tpo me. thinking this will keep the thing away, but in all reality they climb. i start screaming and throwing things which make the thing move even more and makes my screaming even worse. usually someone will get a shoe or something and squish it. but even then i dont like going near the area it was and think that more are going to come out of everywhere and try to kill me.  they are the worst things in the world!!! i will never like them and never want anything to do with them.
i have a feeling that if i were to actually make it onto Fear Factor one day i would have to do something with spiders. maybe lay in a pool with them crawling around on me. ok i need to stop thinking about this because now i am starting to get all freaked out! ewww!!!

so pretty much Fear Factor is the craziest show in the world. crazyy crazzy stuff man!!! and the people that actually go on there is even crazier!!! why would they do that! and only for $50,000 its rediculous! id want atleast $100,000! maybe that would do it. i dont know. not if it was spiders though. nope nope nope! im good thank you and have a nice day. you can find someone else to participate in your games you wanna be Jig Saw!

well im going to stop blogging about this now before i gross myself out so much i dont want to eat any dinner.

live on my Loves

XoXo BabyyGurl!!!

Must Be Ment to Be!!!!

ok so i dont think i have said much about my dog Romeo which is weird because this dog is my whole life. im not even playing. i dont go anywhere without him unless i absolutely have to. we are together 24/7!!! and have been sence i got him on august 26 2010. we are pretty much inseperable! he has a weird story but very interesting.

ok so the summer of 2010 me and my friend harmony walked by this fence every day and there was a big pitbull mix dog that would jump up at the funce and growl. and we were terrified of this dog. so we started to cross the street before we got to this fence and walk by on the other side so he wouldnt scare us.

then one day we relized this dog was gone!

Steve a guy that is at the dog park alot with his little weiner dog/ pitbull mix Lucky had a new big brindle dog named Romeo. he was going to keep him but his dog Lucky had jealously issues so he had to find Romeo a new home. at this time i was Homeless with my little sister wondering the streets and wanted a big mean looking dog for pertection. i had wanted to get a wolf/husky/ pit mix but the lady never showed up at the dog park like we had planned, so i decided to get Romeo. he was a big Pitbull/ Great Dane mix and fit the part of the big mean looking dog i wanted. so i took him.

 then one day while me and my friend harmony were walking or dogs by that fence where the big mean dog used to be it hit us:
this dog i was walking on a leash was that dog!!!! and he wasnt mean at all. and he wasnt growling at us. we now know that when he gets bored he makes a noise alot like a growl but its his way of saying "hey im bored, pay attention to me!!"

this dog went everywhere with me. we ran around the streets of redding for weeks together. then one day when me and my boyfriend were staying with his uncle he let Romeo and the other dog Thor outside and Thor came back but not Romeo. i was really sad. so my boyfriend went looking for my "big dumb dog" (as he called him) but he loved him. and came back home empty handed.

later that day the cops showed up to the house looking for us because we were on the run and i was forced to go back home with my mom. and leave my poor doggy on the streets to defend for himself. i made signs and put them up and posted an add on craigslist but still found nothing. i started to loose hope thinking someone found him and decided to keep him.

Romeo doing what we call "Aligatoring!"

but then about 4 days later Steve the guy i got Romeo from called me and left a message at 2am saying Romeo had shown up at his door. so the next day i met him at the dog park and got my doggy back! i was so happy!!!

this dog became my bestfriend very quickly. he was my ride err die!!! i wasnt going to give him up for anything. he was so well behaved. did everything i told him to and learned new tricks really quickly. so when him and my moms boxer dog Buddy began fighting after 3 months of knowing each other and my mom tryed to make me get ride of him i once again ran away taking my dog with me. i went to my grandmas, but her and my grandpa didnt want a big dog at the house. so i didnt think i was going to be able to stay there very long and would have to go on to somewhere else. but Romeo with his awesomeness and Swag stole the hearts of my grandparents and was welcomed into the home.
he has done this with many people in the time that i have had him. he is aloud into many homes where dogs are not aloud because hes just that good of a dog. everyone loves him.

Romeo with baby Kudder and Layla!!!

so everything was going great with me and Romeo we were together all the time and never apart. it became weird not to have him with me. we went to the mall together, the dog park, walks, the river, parks, friends houses, everywhere.

then during the summer of 2011 i went to the Bay area with a girl i had just met. and left Romeo along with my boyfriends little puppy at a guys house i didnt know but the girl said they would be fine. well about 2 weeks after i left i recieved a call from a guy saying he had found my dog. so the girl called her friend and told him to go get Romeo. supposibly  he did. but the next day i had recieved another call from a lady saying she had found my dog in the same area and he had a tag that said FREE!!   well i freaked out! there was no way my dog was free. so i made the girl take me back to Redding to get my dog. i was pissed.

when i got him back i was very scared because he was alot skinnier then he was when i left him and had a lot of cuts. the first thing going threw my head was that he was being used for fighting, but he had no cuts on his ears of face. so i now think they were from the mass amounts of black berry vines in the area he was in. another thing that was worrying me was how he was walking. he was stumbling like he was drunk. and wouldnt walk for to long before laying down. so i called my grandma to see how much i had in the bank just incase he needed to go to the vet. but i didnt take him. after getting some water and some rest he was ok. and came around to his old self again.

at this point i was so happy to have him back and wasnt going to lose him again. i dont trust anyone but my grandparents, sister, and bestfriend harmony to watch him. other then that my dog is left with no one!!! i have really bad trust issues when it comes to him, but can you blame me? hes my bestfriend, we have been through alot together.

he was very tramatized by this expirence as well. every time i leave him for even just a little bit he gets scared and doesnt think i am coming back. he gets really sad. but i dont leave him too often.


ok so the other day i went on my myspace account to look at the pictures i had on there. i was looking at the ones of all the animals from haven humane that i took when i worked there and posted hoping people would see them and go adopt them. so here i was just lookin at them. awe cute kitty, doggie, puppy, another kitty.... OMG ITS ROMEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yes there infrount of me was a picture of my Romeo at 5-6 months. and i had found out one day when i was at haven humane that he had been adopted out form there while i worked there. it was crazy!!! at first i questioned it. thinking: "no it cant be him"  but the after 3 days of looking at this picture i realized it was. the white on this puppys chest matches my Romeos. and he has his same little floppy ears. its definitly my dog!!!! crazy!!!
who would have know that i would have ended up with one of the puppies at the pound i wanted 2 years later!!!

this is one of those crazy pound puppy stories that is priceless!!!
well truth is this dog is priceless!!!

Me and Romeo Squirrel hunting!!!

i have actually had people offer me money for him, one guy even offered $500. and being homeless and all this would have help me and my little sister alot, but no!!! im not going to sell a family member form $500. that would be like selling my sister! im not that crazy! i love my Romeo to death and will have him til the day he decideds to leave this earth!

this dog is the sweetest, most lovable dog ever!!! he is so gentle and wouldnt hurt a fly! he fallows me eveywhere! even if its just across the room.
His favorite thing in the Whole world (besides me) is SQUIRELLS!!!! if you say this word he gets so happy and excited. i even got him a stuffed squirrel toy and he loves it. i really dont know what it about those little fuzzy cretures but he loves them!!!
everyone loves Romeo. hes just that cool. hes got Swag haha. no joke!!! Best dog in the world!!!  he is living proff that pound puppys are just as great if not better then your pure bred dogs!!! yea its true!!!

XoXo BabyyGurl!!!

My Jonny

well i have decided to write a blog about my amazing boyfriend. im going to try to prove everyone who thinks badly of him wrong. because um yea your wrong... so you can just sit there in your bubble or wrongness and be completely wrong.

ok first yes i will admit he has done so pretty flat out completely stupid stuff. its true we all know it. but that does not define who he is. we have all done things in our lifes we are not proud of. we are human and humans make mistakes. we make them and learn from them. and alot of people say to me, jonny doesnt learn from his mistake. uh yea your wrong again. yes he does. trust me he does.

now let me tell you about the Jonny i know. this Jonny is amazing.

he is the most caring person i know. he loves his family to dead. his little brother Christian means the world to him and more, hes always talking about him and how good christian is and how far hes going to go in life. how smart he is, and just how much he loves him. he want to do good for christian to show him he can be a good older brother. he wants christian to be a good kid and stay out of trouble. every letter i get asks about christian and how he is doing. if i have heard from him or have seen him lately. EVERY LETTER!!!!!!

and his dad gibson. he knows he has hurt gibson alot and is really sorry for it. he loves gibson alot also, but gets frusterated with him for reason i really am not going to put on here. but kinda good reasons. but still he cares so much about gibson and doesnt want anything bad to happen to him. i get asked alot about him in letters as well. the sad thing is i really dont know how he is doing because i have not talked to him in about like 6-7 months. it has been a while.

and his little sister charlotte. hes really scared for her. shes starting to get into trouble and that worries him. he doesnt want her to turn about like he did. and he is afraid its to late. he was so happy when i told him i saw her, but now that i havent heard from her in a while as well that kinda worries him.

now his mom and Aiden. where do i start. well he wants everything with his mom to be ok. infact he want to try and live with her. he talks about her alot and how much he loves her. she really means so much to him its crazy. but i think it is really cute.

Jonny loves his family. all of them. as confusing and as disfuncional as it all may be, he doesnt care, he loves all of them. hes just a very loving and caring person.

he has some really good friends as well. i have met alot of his friends and some of them i really like and others i dont. and no im not being a crazy jealous girlfriend. its just some of them i can see are going to be good for him and keep him up in life and then there are the ones who are just going to drag him down. the ones that are good for him to be around are ones he has known for quite a while. and they do not support his bad habits really. i mean yea they have gotten into some trouble together, but most friends have. but they are also good for him. these friends are there for me when i need them and who do anything for me only because i am Jonnys girlfriend and they know if im safe and ok when he gets out then he will be ok.
his Best Friend John Gilliland died not to long ago. and having to tell him this while he was in prison was really hard. i probably wrote how to tell him like 50 times trying  to figure out the best way to tell him, but no matter how i said it, it just didnt seem good enough. so i just flat out straight out told him. i had to. he needed to know. and it hurt him ALOT... it really did. he misses him so much. and i dont blame him, john was a great guy and anyone who knows him will agree.


ok now jonny treats me like a motha fuckin princess!!!!! its true. it really is. yea some times he can be a complete asshole nad i wanna slap the shit outta him, but im a complete bitch ta him also. but really when it comes down to it he treats me like a princess. or better if that is possible. i get annoyed sometimes with how much he tells me im beautiful and how lucky he is to have a girl like me even think about being with him.
he has always but up with my bitchy complaining about all the crap in my life that pisses me off n junk n not once said "Bitch just shut the fuck up and deal with it!" instead he just sits there with this smile on his face like "Daymn bitch your fuckin crazy, but so adorable so ill listen to this shit"

he loves my little sister as if she were her sister, infact they call each other brother n sister. he gets so mad every time i tell him she did something bad again. he knows how much stress it all put on me and wants to help. yea he did make a really bad mistake with her, but im not to mad about it anymore, althought it will never be fully forgotten or forgiven. and he knows that is part of the reason why she got into so much trouble. but he still cares for her so much and when it comes down to it would do anything he needed to for her. hed go kick some ass if he had to. and has. haha.

he is simply put. misunderstood. people only look at the things he has done wrong in his life and dont see all of the good. when really he is a great person. i think so. he has really made my life so much better. im way happier now because of him and i know what love is. he really has changed my life for the better.

i miss him so much now that he is gone. : ( but he will be back sooner then i realize : )   and everything will be good from then on!  but for now our realationship consists of words on paper. but those words on paper are what keep me going each day. they make my life so much better and happier. i look forward to his letter more then anything.


when he gets out i swear im going to be the happiest person alive. you dont even know. i litterally have dreams about this day. but fer now i must focus on everything but him getting out so that time goes by quicker. so i should probably stop writting now and maybe go to bed cuz its like almost 5am!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhh



well goodnight my lovelys!!!

XoXo BabyyGurl!!!

Up @ 3:30AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes well im awake rite now at 3:30am like i am on most mornings. why? honestly im not really sure... but it kinda sux really bad. cuz 2mro i gotta lot ta do. i  gotta dye my hair. im doin it dark brown wit blonde high lights. and maybe black underneith. but im not to sure bout the black yet. then i gotta go to DMV and get my Photo ID so that i can go register for classes at the college. which i really dont know if i can register for yet because well classes start in 2 days. and are probably full. so i may be shit outta luck, but oh well im gunna try anyways. plus i need my ID so i can go see if they can go see if i can do work days to pay off that ticket i got for Lil Boss. hopefully they will let me do that. if not well then im going to have to pay $50!!! ugh, shit, grrr!!! daymn lil doggie!!! but you see i cant even pay that ticket until i have the lil sucker registered. so that means i have to make my way out to haven humane and get the darn lil dog registered. so i have quite a few delemas.

my list of things ta do:
1. Dye hair
2. Get ID
3. try to register for classes
4. get Boss registered!
5. pay ticket!

my goal is to get all of those done this week. hopefully i can do it!

so i am taking some classes out at the college hopefully. so that i can get financial aide. thats really the mane reason i am doing these classes. and well to get my degree in Nursing. but rite now its mostly for the financial aide. im really hoping that i can get it. if i can them the classes im taking will go towards getting my degree.

Another delema i am facing is this: Anatomy!!!!
you see everyone says anatomy and microbiology are the two hardest classes for Nursing and if you can pass those then you will be able to get your degree. so i want to try and take Anatomy this semester to see if i can pass it and then i know i will be able to get my degree. but if i cant pass it then i know i cant get my degree. but my mom says that i should take some of the simpler classes and get used to the whole college setting, and she is right. but i dont want to take all these classes and not be able to pass Anatomy and have waisted my time with these classes. but i also want to pass anatomy. so i really dont know what to do.
but maybe i should listen to her and just take some of the simpler classes that way i will be able to get used to this whole college thing and be able to focus more on Anatomy next semester. and take some other more simpler classes with it. yes! i think that is what i shall do.

i want to get all my prerequisites out of the way this year so that i can go into the nursing program next year and then be done with that in 2 years. so i can have all my nursing school done in 3 years and then get a job. Then i shall be a hella hot 21 year old nurse haha. yup yup!

everyone says nursing is a good career cuz there is always going to be job openings and hospitals always need nurses. plus with in the next 5ish years all the baby boomer nurses will be retiring and theres goingto be a high demand of nurses. plus they make pretty good money! so im excited. im going to have an awesome job = awesome life.

and jonny said in his last letter that he is thinking about doing Graphic Design (honestly not sure what that is???) and aparently if hes is really good at it he will make bank also.so pretty much we will both have awesome high paying jobs, be hella successfull and be like: "Suck that anyone who said we were complete failures!!!!" yep haha. cuz alot of people think he is no good and is always going to be no good but i guess they dont see him like i do. ya kno what i think im gunna write a blog about him so then everyone can see him like i do haha.

well im feenin fer Dr. Pepper so im gunna go get one,

Drink up everyone.
XoXo BabyyGurl!!!

Update on Lil Boss!!!

i am happy ( and sad) to say my mom finally said it is ok for my little sister to have Boss. so they came over yesterday and picked him up. i was sad to see him ago and i miss having him around but its ok i can pretty much see him any time i want. hes only with my sister haha.

im really happy my mom said she could have him though it makes me so freakin happy. my sister loves that dog more then anything and really needs him. she needs something in this world to care about and to make her feel cared about. he will love her unconditionally and make her happy. thats all she really wants.

i know it is hard for people to understand the relationship me and my sister develope with our animals. most people think oh its just a dog, you have to get ride of it, so what, theres always going to be more. yea thats true there will always be more dogs. but those arent our dogs! we get our animals in special ways. they need us. they were abused, mistreated, or whatever else. either way there is a reason we get them. and we need them as well. our animals have always been the things to keep us going. as long as we have multiple naimals to take care of and keep us busy we feel ok. when we have none we have nothing.

like my dog Romeo. he would fallow me to the edge of a clif and jump off if i did it also. he loves me so much. and is my bestfriend. me and him have been throw alot together and when things got really rough we always had each other. i really dont know what i would do with out him, i would feel so alone and lost. it would make life so boring.

same with my sister. her best friend was her little doggy Tora. a really smart good dog. she was a great dog. but my mom got rid of Tora. which i kinda understand because savannah left her with my mom for a month and didnt take care of her which was wrong, but at the same time it was unfair for savannah to lose her dog. so i really dont know how i feel about that. Savannah loved Tora for the same reasons i love my dog. they love us unconditionally and always will. no matter what we do or say these dogs wouldnt care. all they know is to love us. so when savannah lost her little doggy she lost her feeling of love and her place in this world. i know because i had lost Romeo for 2 weeks once and it almost killed me. i actually became physically ill because of this.

Boss brings that feeling of love and value back to Savannah, she now feels a purpose in this world. to take care of Boss and make sure he is always ok. and this makes Savannah feel ok again. that is why i knew i had to find this dog for her and rescue him from the pound, not only was it the dog i was saving but also my sister.

i would litterally do anything for that little girl. she has done so much for me with out realizing it. if anything were to happen to  her i would freak out. i knew she needed boss, and no one would listen to me. "no she only wants him because he is a puppy" "she doesnt need him" "she will be fine without him" these are a few thing people would say to me when i would talk about how she needed him. well to anyone who said this to me FUCK YOU!!!!!!! im sorry but its true. you dont know my sisterl ike i do. you dont know what we have been through or how we feel. you dont know jackshit ok. she
NEEDS that dog.

maybe hes just a dog to you! but to her that dog means so much more. he is like her baby. like her kid. how would you feel if someone said to you "oh your kid is just a kid and nothing more" youd be pissed! because you know better. well same with us. you take our dogs away, your taking our kids away. and skrew you!!!

that is why i am really glad my sister got to have her doggy back. and if she ever needs to to watch him for her again she knows that i will. if anyone thinks they are going to take him away from her again you had better think again, because if you even try to do that your going to be dealing with me. and you wont like that very much!!!

well good luck in life all, i hope you get far and be happy!

XoXo BabyyGurl!!!

My Sperm donor!!!

ok so last nite i blogged about my mom. and for some reason that really made me start thinking about my dad aka my sperm donor. ok no he was not like one of those guys who want to make money by jacking off into a tube and selling it to ladys that A. can get a guy to want to get them pregnant, B. think its best to raise a kid alone, C. the male in the relationship is sterile. nope that is not what my dad was. hes not nearly that cool and didnt make any money by donating his sperm to my mom.

you see him and my mom were togther in high school. a lovely couple. on drugs, that got into trouble, and well had me. my mom gave birth to me 4 months after turning 20. barely out of high school and definitly not ready for a kid. i guess neither of them were. because when i was 11 months old my dad decided to leave me and my mom. why you ask? good question. i really have no flippin idea. i have theorys. many of them. but the one that makes the most since to me was that it was too much for him. he had gotten himself into a situation he couldnt handle and left. and well perhaps loved drugs more then me. i honestly dont know.

and for most of my life my mother and my grandma say it has nothing to do with me. there is something wrong with him. well you know what is ironic about this? the fact that its my parents that are the ones with the problem not me.... my moms crazy and seems to hate me, but its not me, its her.... and my dad left me, but its not me, its him.
i guess i just dont get it. and as much as people tell me im not the one with the problem i cant help but to think maybe i am. maybe i cryed to much. maybe it was the fact that when i was a baby i smeered poop on the walls (yea embracing but oh well). i dont know what was wrong with me to drive him away.

the sad thing is though that i really know it wasnt my fault. i was a baby what could i do wrong i really didnt know any better. and i wasnt the only one he did this too. i have a little brother in some other state (my mom once told me he was in chicago) that my father was a sperm donor too as well, and who knows there could be more of us around this world just floatin around in complete confusion cuz our dad is a complete asshole!

i really hope that if i do have more brothers and sisters that their moms were able to find a good male father figure to be in their lifes so they dont have that empty "Wheres my dad?" feeling. because i know how that is. my mom tryed, uhhhh kinda, to finda a father figure for me. but every guy she picked was a complete fail. you see we have: abusive drugy, alcoholics, tweekers, and the creeps. there was one decent guy though that me and my little sister really liked, his name was Mike. and he was great. treated us good, took us fishing, watch cartoons with us, made us food. we really liked him alot, but sadly for us things didnt work out with him and my mom. why? maybe because he is too good for her.

dont get me wrong i love my moms current boyfriend as well. infact im wondering when hes gunna pop the question. really hope its soon. he treats her good as well and is good to me and my sister. hes family is really nice too. he has a good job, a house, and is all around a good guy.

but the thing is hes not MY dad. hes his sons dad. and i want my dad. and i want him to want me.

sometimes ill day dream about someone knocking on my door, or the phone ringing and it being him. then i could ask him all my question and we could start over. start a realationship and i wont feel so lost and confused. but i guess thats why they call it day dreaming! its only just a dream. either way its kinda fun to think about.

try to imagine who he mite be. a doctor? a vet? a target cashier? maybe a mail man? does he have a big house? or maybe an appartment? and a little dog named Scooter? 
or most like a drugy? an alcoholic? abusive? a creeper?  goes around knocking girls up and leaving? maybe even has like 12 kids now?

this is something i may never know. and it almost makes me feel like half of me is missing. like i know all the things i have gotten from my mom. my looks, my personality trait, i know which are from her. but which did i get from him. i have his hair my mom says. thanks dad!! for my awesome hard to manage curly insaine hair glad you could leave that when you decided to leave. really appreciating it. but what else do i have from him? i dont know.

every time i sit down and try to ask my mom questions she doesnt really tell me anything.
- he cussed alot.
- did drugs
- wasnt very nice
yea thats about as far as my knowledge of him goes. great.

i have tryed to find him on facebook, myspace, even yellowpages.com, but had no luck.
it sucks. i really feel for the kids in this world whos fathers, and even mothers have done this to as well. its not a very good feeling. abandoned. lost. confused. unwanted. mistreated. unfair. troubled. these are some of the things i feel.

maybe one day i can find him, and punch him in the face, then ask all the questions i need to ask. and after that if he still wants nothing to do with me then so be it!!! atleast i will have my answers. thats all i want is answers. i have lived this long without him im sure i can go on, i just want my answers dammit!!!

until next time,
XoXo BabyyGurl!!!

Dear Mom:::

i find myself sitting here. missing you.
thinking about when i was a little girl.
how things were different. simpler.
when we were able to be together.
things were different back then.
easier. calmer. nicer. funner.
it almost seemed as if you loved me.
it was as if you cared about me.
as if you took an interest in me.
now look at us.
fighting, running, chasing.
playing mind games.
control. fear. anger.
its now as if you hate me.
you dont give a care about me.
as if all interest in me was lost.
what am i now? a lost cause?
why do you treat me this way?
what did i do wrong?
why do you seem to hate me?

i see other girls and there mom.
shopping. talking. laughing.
it makes me hate them.
i know its kinda dumb.
i get jelous.
want what they have.
it makes me so mad.
to think ill never have that.
why is that?


i dont understand.
its like we come from 2 different lands.
we speak 2 different languages.
its been this way for ages.
we always argue. never agree.
its real become to much for me.

we can be.
just like those girls i envy.
have a realationship.
everything i do wont make you trip.
the yelling will be gone.
we can stay up til dawn.
talking. sharing secrets.

maybe im just dreaming.
things will never be.
how i want them to be.
i guess im in denial.
that will always be final.

im so sorry for it all.
for why you are this way.
what ever happened on that day.
to make everything change.
to make your emotions such a range.

but its not fair for us kids.
to always have you pop your lid.
everything we do.
seems to make you unglue.
make you mad.
and make us sad.
we dont understand.

they try to explaine.
but its all just a game.
a game of blaim.
its always the same.

they tell us its not our fault.
that you have a problem.
a chemical embalance.
you needed meds, was that such a challenge?

did you ever think things could be different?
make your kids not always in a state of confusion?

i guess ill never understand.
and thats ok.
i guess ill just have to stay away.
until that day.you dont make me want to run away.
when im not afraid.
to say what i need to say.
you wont blow up at me.
for telling you something.
when i can trust you.
because thats something i want to do.
i want to be your friend.
and have our relationship mend.
have everything fixed.
not have our emotions mixed.
like scrambled eggs.
always have good days.
leave the past behind.
for the last time.
move on from the bad.
and have no more sad.


i know you tryed your best.
but where is the rest.
of your motherly insticts.
the missing links.
the ones that make us feel loved.
cared for, and charished.
instead we feel empty, lost, and forgotten.
love us. thats all were wantin.
for you to show you love us.



maybe you do.
i guess it could be true.
if it is.
you have a weird way of showing us.
yelling. screaming. maniplating.
its all so confusing.
last i checked that wasnt love.
it was abusing.

so you wonder why we are so emotional.
distraught. maybe sometimes even suicidal.
did you ever thing it has to do with you.
its the way you treat us. the things you do.
that put those thoughts in our head.
even though we dont want to be dead.

its all a game to you.
 we are your kids we dont belong to you.
we're not a couch. not something you sit on.
by thinking that you are so wrong.
you cant always control us.
were not your puppets.
were human.
have feelin.

were not a rock.
more like a clock.
a ticking time bomb.
because of you mom.

you have created 2 monsters.
2 little wrongsters.
2 little girls in this world.
that only know how to cause trouble.
always on gaurd.
we have turnd this world into our back yard.

we been there done that.
were just a couple brats.
cant be told what to do.
we'll just rebel against you.

you did us so much wrong.
but because of it we are strong.
can take on anything.
and afterwards well be just fine.
we know who we are.
we have so many scares.
that make us the people we are.

2 bad girls with good intentions.
we have done somethings we shouldnt metion.
we have been treated wrong, and abused.
lied to, and used.
taken advantage of.

but we learn from our mistakes.
learn what it is that makes.
us unique from the rest.
life is just a test.
to see who is the best.

we have been through alot.
and inside we wont rot.
we'll fight through the bad.
and even the sad.
to find the good.
and we know you could.
if you try.
it wont make you die.

please mom we beg you.
to be throu.
with the hurt. anger. and betrayal.
we try to be loyal.
but its hard to be.
when you keep hurting me.
 and savannah to.
we dont deserve this from you.

i guess you dont deserve it from us either.
but who do you think was our teacher?
yes that would be you.
why cant this all be through?

im done.
so until you are to.
im not going to talk to you.

i think its time.
i tell you goodbye.
as long as this is going on.
i think we need to go our seprete ways.
i have to do this. im sorry.
but maybe one day.
we can meet again.
maybe things will be different then.
we can talk. shop. and laugh.

goodbye mom.
i love you.
i really do.
but not the bad you.
the one i remember.
when i was a little girl.
what happened to her?
bring her back.
and and then we'll talk.
but for now this is the way it needs to be.
im so sorry.

XoXo BabyyGurl!!!

Mall With Sierra!!!!!

so i have this friend. her name is Sierra. she is one of my best friends. i have known her for about 8 years now so a long time. she is a very good girl and a great friend. she has always been there for me and put up with my stupidity.

so on January 4th 2012 this is the wonderfully fun, exciting, confusing, awesome day i had with my Sierra.

well we went to the mall around 3:30pm. i was at Petsmart with Boss when she got there so she came to Petsmart. we walked around with Boss and let him play with toys. it was alot of fun. Sierra bought him 2 lil treats to eat, which he loved!!!!
when we got bored at Petsmart we walked over to Khols to see if she could find a shirt for her friend Destiny. but we had no luck. what we did have luck at was being super ninja and sneaking Boss into Khols. they didnt notice i had him in there until we were leaving. haha yea were super ninja like that!!!!

while we were in the parking lot we put Boss in a shopping cart and took pictures. some old people laughed at us. but im sure if i saw 2 girls putting a 50 pound pitbull in a shopping cart i would laugh also. but he looked so cute in the shopping cart and stayed in there pretty well until i started to move the cart. that is when he jumped out. what i really wanted to do was push him into the store in the cart. people do it with little dogs and are never told to leave so why cant i do it with my big dog??? well unfortunately he didnt want to stay in the cart so i never got to finds out if it would work. : ( 

when didnt find anything at Khols we walked over to Barnes & noble(yes sierra i did have to google how to spell this) where we drank StarBucks, played on the internet and hung out. Sierra made fun of me because i couldnt  spell Barnes & noble, but you know what i dont care. most things have a spell check and thats good for me and my lack of spelling skills. haha.
so while i was on Facebook my friend Josh messaged me and asked what i was doing. i told him i was chillin at Barnes & noble with Sierra. then we had a small conversation before he had to get off.

at one point during our being at Barnes & Noble sierra found one of those little papers that you have to send in to subscribe to a magazine. and it was rather interesting. it was of a naked girl with lots of tatoos and one of those tatoos were of guns on her pelvis pointing down. When Sierra saw it she said "why does this girl have gun tatoos pointing to her pussy?"  and the old man sitting next to us said something like " ok could you keep it down?" or something like that. so we were like wtf dude, Rude!!! hahah but now i think maybe we were being the rude ones. oh well. im a loud and blunt person. Sierra can be sometimes too. we are teenage girls and we cant help it.

so after a while my friend Josh showed up at Barnes & Noble. me and sierra were sitting in the back against a window when  i saw a guys shows in frount of me and Sierra said "Hi can i help you?" so i looked up and it was Josh. so i was like "Oh well hello there!" and he said he stopped by to say hi cuz him and his sister were bored. then he saw another friend outside and went out there, Sierra thinks he is stalking me now haha.

then we went back over to the mall to say hi to her sister who works in the pretzle place. we went out back with her so she could smoke a cigerette. sierra told her sister not to tell their mom she was hanging out with me because her mom would be mad. she thinks i am a bad influence on sierra. maybe i was before but im not now. i dont ever do anything bad anymore, haha. plus sierras to much of a good girl to be influenced, she knows right from wrong.

we sat out there nad talked to her sister for a while, then sierras mom came out(she also works at the mall) and saw us together. we both looked at each other like "oh shiit!!!" but her mom didnt seem to up set. she just told sierra to be back in her work at 8:45pm. then went back inside. then her sister had to go back into work. so we sat outside for a little bit talking to a girl her sister worked with, then we went back to the Pretzle Place to get a pretzle. and i realized i had left my phone outside where we were sitting so we had to go back and get it. luckily it was still there unharmed, un touched!!! when we were walking out there we used the back doors that only mall employees are suppost to use but we think we are special and can use them to. i mean both our parents have worked at the mall since we were little and we always used these doors, so what would stop us from doing it now. well one of the mall maintenance people saw us and told us not to do it again. that was the first time either of us had had someone tell us not to do that. it was crazy!

Sierra decided she needed to go get Boss a canned food so he wouldnt starve to death. so we made our way back over to Petsmart where she got him some food and a raw hide bone. she is wayyyyyyy to nice. haha. she completely spoiled my puppy!!! but oh well he didnt seem to mind.
while we were in Petsmart i saw my old neighbor who has a georgous brindle Pitbul named Chomper. he is really cute and big now.
i also saw my uncle and talked to him for a little while about what was going on. during this time sierras mom called her 5 times. so we had to go back over to the mall. we went to Sears and sierra called her mom. while we were there a guy started to go across the street to Petsmart with a cart. one of the guys that worked at Sears was standing outside and started yelling at him because he was stealing a cart from Sears. so he ran towards him yelling "Hey bring that back, Why are you stealing my cart!!!" when the cart stealer had gotten across the street he turned around and started walking towards the guy that worked at Sears saying "What? Are you talking shit to me?!!!?"  and crossed the street to get in the guys face. and yelled "its a Petsmart cart. it belongs there"  when they both got closer to me and sierra we realized that the cart stealer had a Sears name tag on and worked there. but it was still exciting to watch. i just wish it turned into a big fight. would have been a lot funner to watch but whatever!

Sierra had to go back to her moms work because it was time for the mall to close. it was not fun having to say good bye. : (  i had missed her alot. but we shall see each other again one day.
after we said good bye i called my grandma and asked her if i could stay the night at her house since she lives like a quarter of a mile from the mall. after i got her ok i walked to her house.

i had a lot of fun on my adventure with sierra. lots of new memories and what not. good times good times. hopefully soon we can have another mall dad and cause even more memories to remember. because i love good memories, they make life interesting and fun!!!!

XoXo BabyyGurl!!!

Got lil Boss back AGAIN!!!

After we told my mom we had found Boss and brought him home she was pissed. she freaked out and said "i never gave you permission to have this dog here!!!!" when the day before i had told her when i found that dog i was bringing him to savannah and she said ok.

well now it wasnt ok??? shes so bipolar!!!!!

so it caused a fight between me and my mom and that hole night was crappy. she kept screeming and yelling at my and my sister. telling me to take the dog back and me refusing. she had my sister down on the floor cornered screaming in her face and my sister was crying histarically. i told my mom not to talk to her like that nad she flipped out on me. then told me to get out of her house before she called the cops. so i reached for the door knob and she hit my hand away from it and pushed me against the wall. then she punched my arm, leaving a red mark. so i ran out of the house yelling "im calling the cops" so i did nad they sent two officers to the house. after i told them what had happened the tryed talking to my mom but she did not answer her door. so the officer told me it would be best if i went to a friends for the night and came back in the morning for my belongings. so i got one of my dogs, Romeo, and a bag of clothes and went to my friend Harmonys.

my mom and my sister went to the town where my moms boyfriend lives for a few days. and left Boss in the garage. my mom had also called animal control to come and pick him up in the morning.

so the next morning i got up early enough(i thought) to go get him before animal control. but when i got to my moms house the garage door was locked. so i banged on the windows. and heard no barking. so i called my sister and told her that the dog was not in there. she found out animal control had come and got him.

we were completely devastated. once again we had lost this little puppy (who is now 6 months old). we knew we had to go get him from the pound. he was most likely going to be put down or adopted to the wrong kind of people. so i got a ride out to Haven Humane to go get him.

i filled out a lost animal report and then went back to the kennels. i ran through the hall ways of the cages yelling "Boss, Boss" but i didnt see him anywhere and got really sad. so i started walking back up frount. when i passed by the quarentine kennels i heard a really depressing whine. i turned around to see what dog it was, and there was my little Boss!!! i ran up to the kennel and pet him through the fence. he was so excited he was jumping around and barking. so i told him i would get him out. then looked at his kennel number, 38, and ran up front.

after i told the receptionist his kennel number i had to fill out paper work like release papers and a fee for not having him registered! ugh! then they brought him out. he pulled the guy trying to get to me. so i put him in the car and brought him over to my friend harmonys house.

but we had a problem! her dog did not like him! so i had to put both my dogs in the empty apartment next door. which they didnt like very much. and i slept in there with them also.

but the next day we got Boss and my friends dog Khaos(who is actually Bosses real aunt) to be friends, so me Romeo(my other pitbull), and Boss are staying with my friend until Savannah(my sister) can convince my mom to let her keep Boss.

but he is truely a wonderful and smart dog. that eats ALOT!!!

but atleast we were able to get our little Boss back AGAIN!!!!

and today he was given his booster shots, Rabies, and is even microChiped! just incase Brandon gets out of jail and decides to try to steal him again i can prove that he is my dog! then we wont have to go hunt him down again!!!

XoXo BabyyGurl!!!

Got lil Boss back!!!

So about 6 months ago my little sister savannah got a puppy from my friends neighbor. his dog had 16 puppies and he was selling them for $100 each. well my sister had told him she would pay him in a week when she got the money and took a puppy. this puppy was only 4 weeks old when she got him. and the cutest little thing ever!!!

Lil Boss at only 4 weeks!!!

 he was a little turd though. always hungry and wanting to eat. so we always had to have a container of wet food with us.
but he very quickly became a member of our family. at the time we got him my sister and i were homeless. wandering the streets by day and sleeping where ever we found it safe by night. we had 4 dogs. Boss the new puppy. Romeo my pitbul- Great dane cross. Tora my sisters Whippet- plot hound mix. and Journee my Black lab - catahula leopard dog mix. it was a lot of dogs but we managed to make it work. alot of people asked how we fed them. it was simple, the dogs ate before we did. and there are alot of places that help the homeless and their pets in our town. we figured that out really quickly.

so after about three weeks after we got this puppy i went to the bay area and left my sister in redding. (big mistake). she ended up staying with her boyfriend (the 19 year old creep). well during this time Boss got parvo. he wasnt doing to well for a while but pulled through!!! my sister would not leave his side for the week that he was sick. she force fed him and took care of him.

then on October 8th 2011 my sister and her boyfriend were arrested. he was taken to jail and given a book and realese. my sister was locked up for almost 2 months. during this time my sisters boyfriend had the dog. i asked for him back many times but he refused. i thought about taking him to court to get my dog back but i really had no way to prove he was mine. so i had to fight with him for 2 months and had no luck. then when my sister got out we fought with him for another month. but still had no luck getting our lil dawgy back.
then on December 29th 2011 my sisters now ex boyfriend was once again arrested because he violated the terms of his bail and missed a court date. so he was put into jail. my sister and i freaked out wondering where our little boss might be. the pound? on the streets? dead? we really didnt know. so my mom was goingto take us to Haven Humane to see if he was there. but changed her mind because she is very bipolar.
this made my sister have a panic attack. so i called my grandma and asked her if she could take me to the pound to see if he was there but she said no. so i tryed calling the pound and asking if he was there. but the lady told me there were multiple Red-Nose Pitbulls and i would have to go there to find him.

this made me very frusterated. so i called the police department and asked to speak with the arresting officer of Brandon (my sister boyfriend) but he was not in the office. so i asked the lady i was speaking to if it said anything about the dog in the police report. it did not. but she was able to give me the address of where he was arrested and said i could try there.

this is Boss at 6 months. yes he is ALOT bigger

so i walked to the address which happened to be an appartment complex and thought "well shit now i have 30 doors he could be behind." it was going to be like one of those tv shows where you have to pick the door that the prise is behind only way harder. so i was about to get up and knock on door #1 but a guy walked up to me and asked if i had a ciggerette. i said no and asked him if he knew Brandon, HE DID!!!!!! at this point i thought wow what a miracle. and to make everything even better he knew where Boss was. so he took me to his appartment and let me take Boss. i had to tell a little white lie and say that i was Brandons girlfriend and he sent me to get the dog, but oh well sometimes, such as now, its necissary.


so on my walk back home i called my sister and told her the war was over. we won and got Boss back!!! she was so excited she started screaming. when i got him to the house my sister and the dog were jumping all over each other and were both very happy. my little sister finally had the spark back in her eyes and i could tell she was happy!

we were so glad to have him back. but then......

Got Lil Boss back AGAIN!!!!!


XoXo BabyyGurl!!!