My Sperm donor!!!

ok so last nite i blogged about my mom. and for some reason that really made me start thinking about my dad aka my sperm donor. ok no he was not like one of those guys who want to make money by jacking off into a tube and selling it to ladys that A. can get a guy to want to get them pregnant, B. think its best to raise a kid alone, C. the male in the relationship is sterile. nope that is not what my dad was. hes not nearly that cool and didnt make any money by donating his sperm to my mom.

you see him and my mom were togther in high school. a lovely couple. on drugs, that got into trouble, and well had me. my mom gave birth to me 4 months after turning 20. barely out of high school and definitly not ready for a kid. i guess neither of them were. because when i was 11 months old my dad decided to leave me and my mom. why you ask? good question. i really have no flippin idea. i have theorys. many of them. but the one that makes the most since to me was that it was too much for him. he had gotten himself into a situation he couldnt handle and left. and well perhaps loved drugs more then me. i honestly dont know.

and for most of my life my mother and my grandma say it has nothing to do with me. there is something wrong with him. well you know what is ironic about this? the fact that its my parents that are the ones with the problem not me.... my moms crazy and seems to hate me, but its not me, its her.... and my dad left me, but its not me, its him.
i guess i just dont get it. and as much as people tell me im not the one with the problem i cant help but to think maybe i am. maybe i cryed to much. maybe it was the fact that when i was a baby i smeered poop on the walls (yea embracing but oh well). i dont know what was wrong with me to drive him away.

the sad thing is though that i really know it wasnt my fault. i was a baby what could i do wrong i really didnt know any better. and i wasnt the only one he did this too. i have a little brother in some other state (my mom once told me he was in chicago) that my father was a sperm donor too as well, and who knows there could be more of us around this world just floatin around in complete confusion cuz our dad is a complete asshole!

i really hope that if i do have more brothers and sisters that their moms were able to find a good male father figure to be in their lifes so they dont have that empty "Wheres my dad?" feeling. because i know how that is. my mom tryed, uhhhh kinda, to finda a father figure for me. but every guy she picked was a complete fail. you see we have: abusive drugy, alcoholics, tweekers, and the creeps. there was one decent guy though that me and my little sister really liked, his name was Mike. and he was great. treated us good, took us fishing, watch cartoons with us, made us food. we really liked him alot, but sadly for us things didnt work out with him and my mom. why? maybe because he is too good for her.

dont get me wrong i love my moms current boyfriend as well. infact im wondering when hes gunna pop the question. really hope its soon. he treats her good as well and is good to me and my sister. hes family is really nice too. he has a good job, a house, and is all around a good guy.

but the thing is hes not MY dad. hes his sons dad. and i want my dad. and i want him to want me.

sometimes ill day dream about someone knocking on my door, or the phone ringing and it being him. then i could ask him all my question and we could start over. start a realationship and i wont feel so lost and confused. but i guess thats why they call it day dreaming! its only just a dream. either way its kinda fun to think about.

try to imagine who he mite be. a doctor? a vet? a target cashier? maybe a mail man? does he have a big house? or maybe an appartment? and a little dog named Scooter? 
or most like a drugy? an alcoholic? abusive? a creeper?  goes around knocking girls up and leaving? maybe even has like 12 kids now?

this is something i may never know. and it almost makes me feel like half of me is missing. like i know all the things i have gotten from my mom. my looks, my personality trait, i know which are from her. but which did i get from him. i have his hair my mom says. thanks dad!! for my awesome hard to manage curly insaine hair glad you could leave that when you decided to leave. really appreciating it. but what else do i have from him? i dont know.

every time i sit down and try to ask my mom questions she doesnt really tell me anything.
- he cussed alot.
- did drugs
- wasnt very nice
yea thats about as far as my knowledge of him goes. great.

i have tryed to find him on facebook, myspace, even yellowpages.com, but had no luck.
it sucks. i really feel for the kids in this world whos fathers, and even mothers have done this to as well. its not a very good feeling. abandoned. lost. confused. unwanted. mistreated. unfair. troubled. these are some of the things i feel.

maybe one day i can find him, and punch him in the face, then ask all the questions i need to ask. and after that if he still wants nothing to do with me then so be it!!! atleast i will have my answers. thats all i want is answers. i have lived this long without him im sure i can go on, i just want my answers dammit!!!

until next time,
XoXo BabyyGurl!!!