You know those nights where you just cant sleep cause you cant stop thinking about everything? Well that's how I feel tonight. I just cant stop thinking about everything. I have a job interview tomorrow. I have had about like 4 interviews in the last month and not 1 place has hired me. but hopefully this one will. Its at a grooming salon. I have a little bit of experience with grooming so I could have a fair shot. But there are also other people in this town who have applied and have a lot more experience so I just don't know and it makes me really nerves. My grandma has been pressuring me to get a job a lot lately because that's the rule of the house, either get a job or go to school. Well I cant go to school this semester because it has already started but I mite next semester. So for now I have to try and get a job. So I have turned in applications to about 3 major places: Logan's Roadhouse, Marie Calenders, The Dollar Tree. i have also submitted resumes to some places on Craigslist.
I got an interview at a disabled resident home but i don't know if that would be the job for me. it would be at night all night and id be all alone in a house with 3 mentally disabled people. i think it mite be bad for my anxiety. so that one is out.
i have to find a job soon though otherwise i mite be kicked out again and forced to live on the streets again and i really dont want to be doing that. But at the same time i am trying to get a job and i feel like my grandma doesnt think its good enough. i cant stand that feeling of not being good enough. i get it from my mother enough, and she is the failure. so why should i feel that way from my grandma as well. its just unfair. so i have to pray that i get hired soon. plus i want to get my own place. im hoping to move into either a mobile home or the appartment complex where a bunch of my friends live. either one is good for me.
im also troubled about my boyfriend. the other night he said he needed to talk to me about something. so i stayed out all night so that we could talk. well he ended up not wanting to tell me because he was scared. scared that i was going to leave him or hate him. I wish he had told me though because now i am constantly worrying about what it could be and probably making it seem so much worse then it is. like did he cheat on me? did he do dope again? did he rob someone? maybe commited murder? i dont know!!!! and its driving me insane. he says he mite tell me one day but one day isnt soon enough. How is our relationship ever going to work out if we are to scared to tell each other things? if we cant be honest with each other? i dont know it just doesnt seem right to me. If he would just come out nad say it, things would be better. Maybe i'll get mad, i cant deny that. But I'll get over it. Him keeping it from me like this isn't doing any good. Its frustrating. I dont really know what to do about it either. I cant exactly force him to tell me, but I also hate having all these thoughts. Guys really suck sometimes.
Another thing on my mind is my mother. We got into another fight because she tryed saying i was a bad influence for my little sister and shouldnt be able to be around her. Well mother you arent exactly the best example either!!!! it makes me so mad how much of a saint she thinks she is when really shes not. I'm not perfect either and I damn well know that but atleast I can own up to my mistakes and try to make it better. With her she is in such denial about everything she has done wrong and wont even appologise to her own kids for all the pain she has caused them because well... she thinks she never did anything wrong. its so frusterating. Plus my little sister is forced to live with her because of probation. Its starting to become unhealthy I think. I know my little sister better then anyone else and I can tell when she is depressed. Being forced to be somewhere she doesnt want to be is making her so depressed its starting to scare me. and its not just that she doesnt want to be there its the way that my mom treats her. like shes 2 years old and needs constant supervision. now i could understand this when she was first released from juvenile hall, but now its been 6 months she has learned her lesson and is still being treated like if you turn your back on her she will run or commit a crime. well shes not going to do that. she just wants a little freedon to go out and have fun with kids her own age. the fact that she isnt able to do that is whats going to make her want to run. its rediculous in my opinion.
well i feel alot better getting all this out and maybe now i will be able to sleep. I need to get some sleep so i will be ready for my interview. Pray that I will be hired tomorrow????
Get some sleep my loves,
X0X0 BabyyGurl!!!
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