Too much on my mind!!!!!

You know those nights where you just cant sleep cause you cant stop thinking about everything? Well that's how I feel tonight. I just cant stop thinking about everything. I have a job interview tomorrow. I have had about like 4 interviews in the last month and not 1 place has hired me. but hopefully this one will. Its at a grooming salon. I have a little bit of experience with grooming so I could have a fair shot. But there are also other people in this town who have applied and have a lot more experience so I just don't know and it makes me really nerves. My grandma has been pressuring me to get a job a lot lately because that's the rule of the house, either get a job or go to school. Well I cant go to school this semester because it has already started but I mite next semester. So for now I have to try and get a job. So I have turned in applications to about 3 major places: Logan's Roadhouse, Marie Calenders, The Dollar Tree. i have also submitted resumes to some places on Craigslist.
   I got an interview at a disabled resident home but i don't know if that would be the job for me. it would be at night all night and id be all alone in a house with 3 mentally disabled people. i think it mite be bad for my anxiety. so that one is out.

i have to find a job soon though otherwise i mite be kicked out again and forced to live on the streets again and i really dont want to be doing that. But at the same time i am trying to get a job and i feel like my grandma doesnt think its good enough. i cant stand that feeling of not being good enough. i get it from my mother enough, and she is the failure. so why should i feel that way from my grandma as well. its just unfair. so i have to pray that i get hired soon. plus i want to get my own place. im hoping to move into either a mobile home or the appartment complex where a bunch of my friends live. either one is good for me.

im also troubled about my boyfriend. the other night he said he needed to talk to me about something. so i stayed out all night so that we could talk. well he ended up not wanting to tell me because he was scared. scared that i was going to leave him or hate him. I wish he had told me though because now i am constantly worrying about what it could be and probably making it seem so much worse then it is. like did he cheat on me? did he do dope again? did he rob someone? maybe commited murder? i dont know!!!! and its driving me insane. he says he mite tell me one day but one day isnt soon enough. How is our relationship ever going to work out if we are to scared to tell each other things? if we cant be honest with each other? i dont know it just doesnt seem right to me. If he would just come out nad say it, things would be better. Maybe i'll get mad, i cant deny that. But I'll get over it. Him keeping it from me like this isn't doing any good. Its frustrating. I dont really know what to do about it either. I cant exactly force him to tell me, but I also hate having all these thoughts. Guys really suck sometimes.

Another thing on my mind is my mother. We got into another fight because she tryed saying i was a bad influence for my little sister and shouldnt be able to be around her. Well mother you arent exactly the best example either!!!! it makes me so mad how much of a saint she thinks she is when really shes not. I'm not perfect either and I damn well know that but atleast I can own up to my mistakes and try to make it better. With her she is in such denial about everything she has done wrong and wont even appologise to her own kids for all the pain she has caused them because well... she thinks she never did anything wrong. its so frusterating. Plus my little sister is forced to live with her because of probation. Its starting to become unhealthy I think. I know my little sister better then anyone else and I can tell when she is depressed. Being forced to be somewhere she doesnt want to be is making her so depressed its starting to scare me. and its not just that she doesnt want to be there its the way that my mom treats her. like shes 2 years old and needs constant supervision. now i could understand this when she was first released from juvenile hall, but now its been 6 months she has learned her lesson and is still being treated like if you turn your back on her she will run or commit a crime. well shes not going to do that. she just wants a little freedon to go out and have fun with kids her own age. the fact that she isnt able to do that is whats going to make her want to run. its rediculous in my opinion.

well i feel alot better getting all this out and maybe now i will be able to sleep. I need to get some sleep so i will be ready for my interview. Pray that I will be hired tomorrow????

Get some sleep my loves,
X0X0 BabyyGurl!!!


        

Boyfriend was released!!!

So after waking up at about 5pm today and going though my mass amounts of texts i listened to the 6 voicemail messages i had. 1 from grandma, 1 from a friend, and then the next 4 from my boyfriend jonny saying he was home. He was released from prison at 2am that morning and took a bus home. so after wakin up a little bit i walked over to where he was. i will adimit i was trippin a little bit and hella nerves. it had been 10 months since i had actually seen him. it was crazy i didnt know what to think or how to feel. i was so excited though.
      as soon as i got there and sat down next to him it was like the 10 months had never passed. it was just any other day. i was all the same and that was good. i felt so much relief and happiness i thought i was going to explode. it was one of the crazyest feelings ever. completely unexplainable.
      We hung out at his house for a little bit with his stepdad, little brother, and his stepdads friends. we all just sat around talking. i relized at that moment how much i had missed these people. its great to have them back now. it was even good seeing jonnys little brother christians cat Bear. he has gotten sooooo much fatter.

After hanging out with his family we went by my moms house to get my dog. she wasnt going to let me do that and got me all upset. so i got into a fight with her because she was saying she was going to give my dog away when i dont even live with her. she also said that i abuse him, neglect him, and mistreat him. non of that is true. after fighting with her for a good half an hour Jonny made me leave and we went over to my aunts empty apartment. we talked about a lot of stuff and just got to be alone for a while. it was great. 

      Jonny says he is done being a criminal. Prison taught him a lesson. i believe him, atleast i want to believe him. i know he can be good if he wants to he just has to want to. i have faith in him and im going to do everything i can to make sure that he is good and doesnt go back to prison. but that is really up to him.

Be good my loves,
X0X0 BabyyGurl!!!


               

My new baby kitten

Well i have gotten a new kitten. He looks like one of the ones i found a while ago and had named Kudder. But at that time I couldnt take care of a kitten so he was found a new home.
   My new kitten is named Playboy. i got him from a lady that had 5 kittens. he was the most mellow and sweetest so i thought he would be the best fit for me. he is only 7 weeks and pretty small.
   my friend Jesecha got one also. he looks alot like mine. she isnt sure if her parents will let her keep it or not but she is going to try it anyways.
     we went to the dollar tree after getting them and got them collars and some food. then we took them over to Caldwell Park to play around. it was pretty fun and im already in love with this cute little animal. ill post an update about him again once i learn more about him.

Fall in love with as many things possible my loves,
X0X0 BabyyGurl!!!

Playboy

Oh Those Boys!

Well Hello there!

so i have made some new friends! they are quite an interesting group. very entertaining and fun. they are Tanner, Steven, Waffle, and Gerb.

they live in the appartment complex across from my aunt neena. they are always hyper and up to do anything fun. like drive up to the top of the world in the middle of the night. or drive anywhere for that matter. nd they love to party. i guess they are just what i needed to get me out of my miniture depression. they always put me in a good mood. they are always saying the funniest shit and doing the funniest things. its hard to be in a bad mood around these guys. they make everything so much more exciting.

i have only known them for a week so far but in we have all hung out pretty much every day of this week and done some pretty crazy stuff. it has been one of the funnest weeks i have had in a while.

go out and meet someone new my dears,
XoXo Babyygurl!!!

Best Friend gone bad!?!

Well my so called bestfriend Harmony and I broke up. yes we are no longer friends. why? um that is a question i ask myself often. im not really sure. all i know is she is mad at me. and as far as i can tell i am not even sure she knows why. we both got drunk one night and were going to go out partying, but my ride fell through. so she started flippin out on me tryin to say i never had anything planned nd i was lying, i always lie about everything. well its not my fault not everything went the way i had planned it, i cant make the kid come pick us up. so we started screaming at eachother in the middle of the road about everything under that big golden sun. we were both so pissed off we were shaking. well soon after the kid we were going to the party with found a new ride and showed up. so we went to the party and the cops came not long after. oh and that was my fault also according to her. yea it was almost as if i had called the cops and told them about the party, cuz that is totally something i would!!! oh yes! haha right....

we were told to leave and everyone scattered everywhere. Harmony, me, and our other friend Sapphire sat behind a building deciding what to do. harmony said we should just walk home. i disagreed cuz there were cops out looking fer all the drunk kids nd i didnt feel like getting arrested. but no she insisted that we walk and tryed to force sapphire to go with her even though Sapphire didnt want to get pulled over either. i tryed to tell harmony if i could charge my phone real quick i could get a ride, well she didnt want me to do that. eventually she had a friend come pick us up and take us back to her house.

well she was still being hella weird towards me and wouldnt even talk to me. i tryed to talk to her but she just ignored me nd acted like i didnt exist. so i got tired of it and left.

my guess is she is so pissed off at the world she needs someone to blame for all of it. well i am not that person to blame. i was not responsible for any bad thing happening to her. i have plenty of my own baggage to carry around and think about i cant take anyone elses.

friendships come and go. im used to it. it hurt yea, because we were good friends. but i guess we just grew apart. i dont know really what her reasoning for all of this is, and i may never know. but i guess that is ok. i have more in life i need to focus on, like getting to a stable place in my life and staying possitive. i cant afford any negitive influence in my life right now and sometimes that is all she was. im sad to lose a friend, but ill live. everything happens for a reason.

make the best of your life loves,
XoXo BabyyGurl!