Theres Gunna Be A Baby!!!!

Well today i found out Im pregnant! i have had my suspisions the last couple of days but i wasnt sure. so today i went itno the clinic with my friend Janel and got a test done. it came out possitive! i didnt know what to do or say when they told me this. my jaw dropped and i couldnt stop smiling. it was a crazy unexplainable feeling. so many things were running through my head. i was super excited, hella nerves and sorta scared, but overall really happy. i was super excited to go home and tell Jonny. i couldnt wait to see his reaction.
    when we walked back up to the apartment he was sitting outside on the balcony waiting for us. when he saw us he stood up and walked over to me. the first words out of his mouth were "so what did they say" nd i said "it came out positive". he instantly wrapped his arms around me and wouldn't let go for like 2 minutes. in that moment i felt so happy and so loved. knowing that this was my family and nothing could go wrong in it. that now we were responsible for a kids life and how we raised them would affect the rest of their lifes. ok that thought made me a little more scared but deep down i knew that everything would be ok one way or another we would be just fine. we had seen all the mistakes our parents had made, so we just had to stay away from all that.
    people say i would make a good mom but i really dont know. im impatient, get upset easily, im easily frusterated, and confused alot. but if i have baby sat plenty of kids and have lots of experience with children so i know ill be fine. but i will admit i am also very scared.

ill keep you all updated on this topic and let you know how the pregnancy is going.

wish my luck babes,
X0X0 BabyyGurl

Moms house was Robbed!!!!!!

So someone has broken into my moms house and stolen ALOT! they took her laptop, the safe which had $600 in it and like 4 cell phones, my little sisters rings, a box of her stuff, and a couple ipods.
    we are pretty sure it is someone that we know because they were able to get passed the dogs. there is a Boxer there and a Pitbull (Boss). and if the dogs hadnt known this person and seen them in the house before they would have gone baserk and ate the people. or tryed and who knows what the people would have done. luckily the dogs were unharmed.
   what really bothers me is that my little sister could have been in the house when they did it. they probably saw that my moms car was not in the drive way and thought it was safe, but there are many occations where my sister is left at home alone and they could have hurt her. i guess its only a good thing that she was not there. otherwise things could have been alot worse. or maybe they wouldnt have broken in to the house because she was there. i really dont know.
    there are a number of people that know my dog, but only a few id ever think possible of robbing the house. whoever it was though oviously doesnt give a shit about us and arent really anyone worth our time and probably never were. this just shows how little you can actually trust people. its kinda sad really.
     my mom made a police report and i guess they fingerprinted around the house, but the person probably wore gloves so nothing will come up. all i know is if i find out who this person is........ lets just say they better hope i dont.

well my loves get a good gaurd dog you never know when someone will try to rob you,
X0X0 BayyGurl!!!

Fathers Day you SUCK!!!!

So this lovely day called fathers day comes around once a year. its a day for all the fathers in the world to be appreciated and thanked for being such awesome dads. so does this mean that all the fathers around the world that walked out on their children get to share this day with all the fathers who actually did their jobs? HELL NO!!!!!
     As one of those kids that grew up without a father I would love to tell all you dads who think you can even call yourself that when you walked out on your child how this day makes me feel:
     well first off it makes me feel a little upset, unwanted, hmm a little unloved, uncared for, like im missing out, unappreciated, and all those other good feelings but with an "un" in front of them. as a matter of fact I dont even think of my "father" as a father he is simply a sperm donor. Yep thats all he is to me. And I know I am not the only kid that feels this way. there are so many others out there.

So for all you "fathers" heres some advice:
1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her

Get it? If your going to dip out on a kid then you don't deserve one. 






ok so enough sadness.

Thankyou to all those fathers who have stuck by your children and been there no matter what. you are amazing and really do deserve this day.

And to all of you dads who are raising someone other guys baby you are amazing as well. if you have the courage to step in you are a real man and a true father. good for you. kudos to you.

so as you can probably tell I have a hard time with this day each year. i do wonder what it would be like to have a father, but then if i did I wouldnt be the person I am today. 

Stay strong daddyless kiddies, nd to you with dads... you lucky bitches,
X0X0 BabyyGurl!!!    

 

Um I totalled my first car!!!

After!!! (drivers side)

After! (passangers side)

Before!!!

So last night I was driving my sisters Mustang. this car is like her baby. well I was in a turn lane getting ready to turn and a car drove up without their head lights on and ran head on into the car. I almost flew through the windshield cuz i was not wearing my seat belt, but the airbags stopped me. After us the driver of the other car ran. I didnt know what to do and freaked out because I knew my sister would be pissed about the car getting ruined so I just drove it back to the house nad explained to her what had happened. she ran out to where it was parked and threw up. I felt so bad. It was almost unreal. I felt like at any moment I was going to wake up from this horrible dream and we would laugh about it. Not this time though. this was real. i had actually destroyed her car. The saddest part is that i t wasn't exactly my fault. I didnt ask the other drive to hit the car. they just did.
     She has been pissed at me for the last couple days. I told her i would pay for it even though it was not entirely my fault. I feel really bad, but what can I do about it? shit happens. Im just glad that my boyfriend and I are ok and not hurt badly. I have a bruise on my leg from the airbag and he broke his hand. Other then that we are just fine.
     I'm still scared to get into a car but I'm getting over it. This experience has made me realize how important it is to wear a seat belt. I am only lucky that the airbags came out just in time to save me.
     well I guess this was just an eye opening event in my life to make me second guess what I am doing and have to make me work harder to get up enough money to pay for the damage. It sux but its life. My life as sad as it maybe. Well I will be spending the next.... um... however long it takes to raise 3800$.... making $3800. itsn't that just wonderful. time to get a job I guess. Or pick up more house cleaning jobs! I guess this is the reason it is good to have insurence because then they could have covered it.

well remember to wear the belt loves,
Keep yourself safe

X0X0 BabyyGurl!!!

2 years so far

so today is me and my boyfriends 2 year anniversary. yep we have have been together that long. its kind of crazy because  none of my other relationships lasted anywhere near this long the were anywhere from a week to 3 months. so to be with the same guy for this long is absolutely crazy. but i like it. it makes me happy to be with him. hes so kind and caring whether he wants to admit it or not. he thinks hes a terrible monster and hes used these exact words but underneath that touch shell and behind all the walls he puts up is a sweet and gentle guy. who knows how to make me feel so loved and cared for its crazy. he soft and cuddly kinda like a big teddy bear. the way that he looks at me i can see how much he loves me in his beautiful eyes.
     i will admit we do have some problems in our relationship but we are working through those to try and make our relationship even better. we have been through a lot together and it just shows how meant to be we are for each other.
     i don't know what i would do with out him. he makes my life so much better and happy that with out him it would almost seem impossible. i don't ever think that i would have to go without him tho.with everything that we have been through together that hasn't torn us apart i don't know what will.
      when i think about our future in 5 years i see us married and living in either a little house or an apartment with a kid and a dog. well be happy with our little family and just starting our lives on our own together. we'll both have jobs doing something that we enjoy and well have lots of time to spend with each other and our kid. well be a happy little family doing happy family things. and our love will continue to grow even stronger. yea that sounds like a fairytale to me.

well i hope y'all find your fairytale endings,
X0X0 BabyyGurl!!!

Too much on my mind!!!!!

You know those nights where you just cant sleep cause you cant stop thinking about everything? Well that's how I feel tonight. I just cant stop thinking about everything. I have a job interview tomorrow. I have had about like 4 interviews in the last month and not 1 place has hired me. but hopefully this one will. Its at a grooming salon. I have a little bit of experience with grooming so I could have a fair shot. But there are also other people in this town who have applied and have a lot more experience so I just don't know and it makes me really nerves. My grandma has been pressuring me to get a job a lot lately because that's the rule of the house, either get a job or go to school. Well I cant go to school this semester because it has already started but I mite next semester. So for now I have to try and get a job. So I have turned in applications to about 3 major places: Logan's Roadhouse, Marie Calenders, The Dollar Tree. i have also submitted resumes to some places on Craigslist.
   I got an interview at a disabled resident home but i don't know if that would be the job for me. it would be at night all night and id be all alone in a house with 3 mentally disabled people. i think it mite be bad for my anxiety. so that one is out.

i have to find a job soon though otherwise i mite be kicked out again and forced to live on the streets again and i really dont want to be doing that. But at the same time i am trying to get a job and i feel like my grandma doesnt think its good enough. i cant stand that feeling of not being good enough. i get it from my mother enough, and she is the failure. so why should i feel that way from my grandma as well. its just unfair. so i have to pray that i get hired soon. plus i want to get my own place. im hoping to move into either a mobile home or the appartment complex where a bunch of my friends live. either one is good for me.

im also troubled about my boyfriend. the other night he said he needed to talk to me about something. so i stayed out all night so that we could talk. well he ended up not wanting to tell me because he was scared. scared that i was going to leave him or hate him. I wish he had told me though because now i am constantly worrying about what it could be and probably making it seem so much worse then it is. like did he cheat on me? did he do dope again? did he rob someone? maybe commited murder? i dont know!!!! and its driving me insane. he says he mite tell me one day but one day isnt soon enough. How is our relationship ever going to work out if we are to scared to tell each other things? if we cant be honest with each other? i dont know it just doesnt seem right to me. If he would just come out nad say it, things would be better. Maybe i'll get mad, i cant deny that. But I'll get over it. Him keeping it from me like this isn't doing any good. Its frustrating. I dont really know what to do about it either. I cant exactly force him to tell me, but I also hate having all these thoughts. Guys really suck sometimes.

Another thing on my mind is my mother. We got into another fight because she tryed saying i was a bad influence for my little sister and shouldnt be able to be around her. Well mother you arent exactly the best example either!!!! it makes me so mad how much of a saint she thinks she is when really shes not. I'm not perfect either and I damn well know that but atleast I can own up to my mistakes and try to make it better. With her she is in such denial about everything she has done wrong and wont even appologise to her own kids for all the pain she has caused them because well... she thinks she never did anything wrong. its so frusterating. Plus my little sister is forced to live with her because of probation. Its starting to become unhealthy I think. I know my little sister better then anyone else and I can tell when she is depressed. Being forced to be somewhere she doesnt want to be is making her so depressed its starting to scare me. and its not just that she doesnt want to be there its the way that my mom treats her. like shes 2 years old and needs constant supervision. now i could understand this when she was first released from juvenile hall, but now its been 6 months she has learned her lesson and is still being treated like if you turn your back on her she will run or commit a crime. well shes not going to do that. she just wants a little freedon to go out and have fun with kids her own age. the fact that she isnt able to do that is whats going to make her want to run. its rediculous in my opinion.

well i feel alot better getting all this out and maybe now i will be able to sleep. I need to get some sleep so i will be ready for my interview. Pray that I will be hired tomorrow????

Get some sleep my loves,
X0X0 BabyyGurl!!!


        

Boyfriend was released!!!

So after waking up at about 5pm today and going though my mass amounts of texts i listened to the 6 voicemail messages i had. 1 from grandma, 1 from a friend, and then the next 4 from my boyfriend jonny saying he was home. He was released from prison at 2am that morning and took a bus home. so after wakin up a little bit i walked over to where he was. i will adimit i was trippin a little bit and hella nerves. it had been 10 months since i had actually seen him. it was crazy i didnt know what to think or how to feel. i was so excited though.
      as soon as i got there and sat down next to him it was like the 10 months had never passed. it was just any other day. i was all the same and that was good. i felt so much relief and happiness i thought i was going to explode. it was one of the crazyest feelings ever. completely unexplainable.
      We hung out at his house for a little bit with his stepdad, little brother, and his stepdads friends. we all just sat around talking. i relized at that moment how much i had missed these people. its great to have them back now. it was even good seeing jonnys little brother christians cat Bear. he has gotten sooooo much fatter.

After hanging out with his family we went by my moms house to get my dog. she wasnt going to let me do that and got me all upset. so i got into a fight with her because she was saying she was going to give my dog away when i dont even live with her. she also said that i abuse him, neglect him, and mistreat him. non of that is true. after fighting with her for a good half an hour Jonny made me leave and we went over to my aunts empty apartment. we talked about a lot of stuff and just got to be alone for a while. it was great. 

      Jonny says he is done being a criminal. Prison taught him a lesson. i believe him, atleast i want to believe him. i know he can be good if he wants to he just has to want to. i have faith in him and im going to do everything i can to make sure that he is good and doesnt go back to prison. but that is really up to him.

Be good my loves,
X0X0 BabyyGurl!!!


               

My new baby kitten

Well i have gotten a new kitten. He looks like one of the ones i found a while ago and had named Kudder. But at that time I couldnt take care of a kitten so he was found a new home.
   My new kitten is named Playboy. i got him from a lady that had 5 kittens. he was the most mellow and sweetest so i thought he would be the best fit for me. he is only 7 weeks and pretty small.
   my friend Jesecha got one also. he looks alot like mine. she isnt sure if her parents will let her keep it or not but she is going to try it anyways.
     we went to the dollar tree after getting them and got them collars and some food. then we took them over to Caldwell Park to play around. it was pretty fun and im already in love with this cute little animal. ill post an update about him again once i learn more about him.

Fall in love with as many things possible my loves,
X0X0 BabyyGurl!!!

Playboy

Oh Those Boys!

Well Hello there!

so i have made some new friends! they are quite an interesting group. very entertaining and fun. they are Tanner, Steven, Waffle, and Gerb.

they live in the appartment complex across from my aunt neena. they are always hyper and up to do anything fun. like drive up to the top of the world in the middle of the night. or drive anywhere for that matter. nd they love to party. i guess they are just what i needed to get me out of my miniture depression. they always put me in a good mood. they are always saying the funniest shit and doing the funniest things. its hard to be in a bad mood around these guys. they make everything so much more exciting.

i have only known them for a week so far but in we have all hung out pretty much every day of this week and done some pretty crazy stuff. it has been one of the funnest weeks i have had in a while.

go out and meet someone new my dears,
XoXo Babyygurl!!!

Best Friend gone bad!?!

Well my so called bestfriend Harmony and I broke up. yes we are no longer friends. why? um that is a question i ask myself often. im not really sure. all i know is she is mad at me. and as far as i can tell i am not even sure she knows why. we both got drunk one night and were going to go out partying, but my ride fell through. so she started flippin out on me tryin to say i never had anything planned nd i was lying, i always lie about everything. well its not my fault not everything went the way i had planned it, i cant make the kid come pick us up. so we started screaming at eachother in the middle of the road about everything under that big golden sun. we were both so pissed off we were shaking. well soon after the kid we were going to the party with found a new ride and showed up. so we went to the party and the cops came not long after. oh and that was my fault also according to her. yea it was almost as if i had called the cops and told them about the party, cuz that is totally something i would!!! oh yes! haha right....

we were told to leave and everyone scattered everywhere. Harmony, me, and our other friend Sapphire sat behind a building deciding what to do. harmony said we should just walk home. i disagreed cuz there were cops out looking fer all the drunk kids nd i didnt feel like getting arrested. but no she insisted that we walk and tryed to force sapphire to go with her even though Sapphire didnt want to get pulled over either. i tryed to tell harmony if i could charge my phone real quick i could get a ride, well she didnt want me to do that. eventually she had a friend come pick us up and take us back to her house.

well she was still being hella weird towards me and wouldnt even talk to me. i tryed to talk to her but she just ignored me nd acted like i didnt exist. so i got tired of it and left.

my guess is she is so pissed off at the world she needs someone to blame for all of it. well i am not that person to blame. i was not responsible for any bad thing happening to her. i have plenty of my own baggage to carry around and think about i cant take anyone elses.

friendships come and go. im used to it. it hurt yea, because we were good friends. but i guess we just grew apart. i dont know really what her reasoning for all of this is, and i may never know. but i guess that is ok. i have more in life i need to focus on, like getting to a stable place in my life and staying possitive. i cant afford any negitive influence in my life right now and sometimes that is all she was. im sad to lose a friend, but ill live. everything happens for a reason.

make the best of your life loves,
XoXo BabyyGurl!

Fresh start

I have tried multiple times in my life to start over. My family moved a lot and always thought things were going to be better. Or I decided one day I would do things different and never really did. But that never happened because you can’t move away from your problems they will always fallow. The only way to start over fresh and new is by working through those problems you are so desperately anxious to get away from. Accept that they are a problem that is holding you back, figure out how to be relieved of them, and then move on.

            This is what I am currently working on. I have figured out that I cannot run from my problems any more. I need to turn around and face them head on. I can’t let them effect my life anymore. I have now realized I can’t do this by just shoving them down and ignoring them because this is not how you deal with a problem in a healthy way, although it is the solution most people find easiest. I need to pull those problems up one by one and make peace with them. Then I can move on and start over.

            I have started this process by going to a councilor on a weekly basis. i have only gone to see her twice but I think she will be very beneficial to my recovery. She was able to help me pin point some of my issues that I need help with on the first meeting. And has also thought of some way to help me move forward. I am really excited to see how my recovery plan plays out and how it will help me to become a better more stable person in the long run.

            Another thing I have started to do is apologies to the people in my life I have hurt and caused pain. I have written letters to the people I have called my enemies for so long telling them I forgive them for all the hurt they have caused me, and I am sorry for all the pain I have caused them. This way I can be free from that holding me down. If they don’t accept the apology then at least I tried and I did my part.

            I’m still working on the letter apologies for my family members, my sister, my aunt, my mom, my grandma, my grandpa, my other aunts, even my little cousins who at the time I didn’t realize I had effected them but I did. I am the example to them and I failed to provide them with a good example. So I even owe them an apology.

            With my friends it’s going to be a little bit different. A lot of them I miss behaved with. We got into trouble with each other. I’m not sure how to apologies to them, it’s still a work in progress. But somehow I will get there and figure it out.

            I must also apologies to myself. Let myself feel the pain I feel and tell myself it is ok to feel that way. Then learn from it.

 I have realized that as a child I was not the most considerate of other people’s feelings and that was not a good thing. I was rather very selfish and somewhat coincided. I didn’t think about how my choices would affect those around me and how it would later portray me. I wanted so badly to be thought of as an adult and to be treated like one, but how was this possible when everything I was doing was so childish. I would defy those who had authority over me. I would rebel against anyone who tried to put structure in my life. I pushed away the people who loved and cared about me, and if anyone tried to offer help to me I would be resistant. I would cause chaos for anyone who didn’t give me my way. I was very manipulative, deviant, destructive, troubled.  I cannot say that I am completely free of those behaviors but I am now trying to work on making them less noticeable. Keep them under control and not use them for bad.

            Even though most people didn’t see it and I didn’t realize it myself all this behavior was a despite cry for help. And not the kinds of help people were trying to offer. I didn’t want the depression pills they were trying to force down my thought, I didn’t want to be put into counseling, and I didn’t need to take life skill classes, or those darn rehab classes either. I put up walls and guards to see who was brave enough to challenge me and brake them down. To see who truly cared enough to put all judgment aside and find out why it was that I was the way I was. All I wanted was for one person in this world to sit me down and say

            “Look I know life is not easy, you are struggling to find your place. You feel misunderstood, rejected, judged wrongly, and you feel treated unfairly. But its ok. Its ok to feel how you feel. You don’t need to cause pain for everyone else around you though. You need to realize what it is that is causing you to act this way and fix it.”

            Nobody said this to me exactly like this, but there was one person who said it without words. He is what I would say the male version of me. he had all the same behaviors I had. This person is my boyfriend, Jonny. Watching him and how he reacted to everything made me see myself. He helped me to realize what I needed to do differently in my life. Knowing all the struggles he had been through in his life time made me realize my struggles had contributed to my bad behavior. Seeing how much pain he brought to his step dad and his mother made me think about how much pain I had caused my mom, and grandparents. Hearing the sad, disappointed tone in his younger brother’s voice when I told him his big brother went to jail made me realize how much pain I had brought to my sister and my aunt who I think of as a sister. The way his best friend reacted the day we were told he was going to prison for two years made me realize the pain I had brought upon my friends. It brought so much pain to me knowing I had done this. I had been a terrorist in the hearts of so many people. I had let them down, torn down so much hope, lost trust, even some respect. But in knowing I wasn’t the only person who was going through this, that he was so much like me, it actually gave me hope. We would help each other to be better people. I guess that is what love is all about, not finding the perfect person in the world, because its not like, oh we are in love so everything is wonderful and perfect. No people still argue and have bad moments. Love is about finding that one person who makes you want to do better, to be better, and will help you to do that. To never give up on you, even when things get rough, they stick by you and motivate you to move forward.  That’s exactly what he does for me. he is even able to do this from prison, that’s how amazing he is. Simple words in ink on paper that mean so little to other people mean the world to me. I don’t know where I would be without his encouragement and love in each letter he sends. I know if I keep trying to become a better person so will he and that will keep me moving forward. I will admit he is not perfect, but he is the perfect match for me.

            By meeting him and developing this relationship it has been so beneficial to me. even though people think he brings me down and brings out the worst in me, and maybe at first this was true, I know it really is not. I just needed time to play it out and put together the pieces and realize he was the help I needed. The one person I never saw shy away from me because I was not perfect or because what I was doing was “wrong”. He saw me for what I was, broken, not what everyone else saw me as. He knew I was a mangled torn apart soul that needed mending. Unconditional love, support, given trust in what I was doing.

It took me almost two years to put together those pieces. I believe the pieces to this puzzle were always there. I just needed someone to help me put it all together. But now that I have them and I understand what I have done and the results of it, I can accept it, take it all as a lesson and move forward.

I believe Life is like a board game. We are all little game pieces put on this board we call earth. Taking chances, like rolling a dice, to see how far we move forward. Sometimes it good and we get pretty far, sometimes it’s an ok move, other times we fall back a few spaces and have to  work that much harder to move forward again, but this only makes us stronger. And other times we lose a turn, but this doesn’t need to be taken badly, maybe losing a turn is good. it’s given to us as a time to look around us, look at how far we have come, how much further we have to go. Think about what we did in the past and how we have grown from it. And apply it to how we live out our future. The only difference between real life and a board game is that in real life we only get to play one game. Once our game is put away in its box, such as a coffin, there is no taking it out again and starting over. The game is ended and that’s it.

            So I am glad I have realized all this so early in life. Because some people never realize it, they go on living life thinking it’s a board game that can be replayed. They go on hurting people and being selfish, just as I was. And it’s sad. Truly heart breaking.

            So I am going to accept the fact that I am not perfect, in fact I’m far from it. perfection is evil. People are so obsessed with the thought of being perfect that they lose sence of what really matters in life. Like the little things we take for granted. The smell of a rose, or the smell of a first rain in a long time. How delicious the first cookie out of the oven really is. The feeling you get when you smile at a stranger passing by on the street and they smile back. How cute a litter of kittens or puppies are. When someone takes time out of their life to help a less fortunate person even though they don’t have to. The time shared with a loved one. The happy ending to a mostly sad movie. The innocence of a baby. Those are all things close to perfect. But me? I am broken, but not unfixable. i just need to be given time and patience, and even a little TLC in order to bounce back. It’s not going to be easy, but it is possible. Life tragitys are full of lessons, they just need to be found. I just have to face the truth now. Stop hiding from it and thinking I can out run it. it’s going to catch up to me sooner or later so it might as well be sooner. That way I can get over it all and be a better person.. Get the real fresh start I have been craving.

all rize!! court is now in session!!!

i recieved a subpoena to go to court and testify against brandon, yes my lil sisters ex boyfirend. and honestly i dont want to. as much as i hate that fool. id rather never see him again. i mean hes out of my life now and i would rather just keep it that way. after all he put my little sister though, and almost losing my mom to insanity because of him. id rather just leave my life how it is now., brandon free.
    plus i really dont know all that much on the fact of why i am going to go and testify. i was alseep through what happened and only know what my friend told me happened the next morning. yes i do believe her, and i dont think she deserved what he did to her, but i dont want to testify against him.
a while ago i was served to go testify against him on my sisters behalf and i really didnt even want to go then, but he pleaded guilty to that case and was sentenced. so i didnt have to go. Now, unless he pleads guilty to molesting my friend, im going to have to go testify. Blehhhh!!!!
i dont like cops, at all. they bother me. so now why would i want to go sit in a court room with them, swearing to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, when i dont exactly know the whole truth? hmmmm.....
oh well whatever i guess im just going to have to suck it up and go. i really dont have a choice anyways unless i want to be thrown in jail, have to pay a fine, and all that funness. so im going. i have to go. its final. ugh!!!!


plus i just found out i might have to go testify against someone else to. another guy that violated my sister. i was also subpoenaed to his case but then he pleaded guilty as well. and was sentenced to 10 years in to a prison in Texas. but now i found out from someone that, that was for a different case and they are going to be bringing him back to california for another trial for what he did to my sister and also another 14 year old boy.
so me and my sister will be subpoenaed to that trial. what we dont know is if they will be bringing him back after his 10 year sentence has been served or sooner. because if it is in 10 years im not going to know what to say. ill be 28. yea weird. but im thinking they will bring him back sooner. which is really going to suck because he will be leaving the court room this time with even more time on his sentence. sucks fer him. oh well after what he did to my sister he deserves it. sorry huney but its true.
my sister doesnt deserve to live with the pain of what he did to her. its not fair and is very damaging. can change a person all together. make them feel different and scared. he deserves whatever time is added on to his sentence for that. dumbass!!!

well be safe loves, and stay out of the courtroom,

XoXo BabyyGurl!

ohh boy this will be fun!!!

Ok so the apartment that i live in with my friend and her mom is pretty crowded as it is. we have 3 girls, 2 dogs, a cat, and a rat. so now my friends mom has decided that our neighbors will be staying with us for a fer days. so we will have 3 more people in here. one of those people doesnt like me at all because we had a confertation where i called her a bitch for getting rid of someones cat and not trying to find the owner and also because she called me a slut for pictures i have on facebook. she doesnt know me and judges me as if she does, in my opinion that makes someone a bitch. so she will be staying here and im not sure how i will be able to deal with that. i just hope she doesnt say anything to me because i dont know if i will be able to keep my mouth shut.

if that isnt enough we also have my friends uncle staying here for 2 weeks until he feels better. because he broke 3 ribs in a car crash. so he will be staying here. and he is not the best person to have around. he makes a huge mess and cant be trusted.

it was not fun last night trying to sleep because me, my friend, and her boyfriend slept in a full sized bed. plus we had the 2 big dogs trying to get into the bed with us. it was very crowded and squished. i did not like it at all. plus my friends boyfriend has to sleep with a fan on and i cant sleep that way so i was awake most of the night. it sucked!!!

so yea that is my situation right now and i am not liking it at all!! im not sure how long this is going to go on but i dont know if i will be able to deal with it for very long. i need my sleep. if i dont get enough sleep i feel way to droggy and unhappy. it puts me in a very bad mood all day and it sucks. i may end up going to my grandmas house for 2night so i can get some sleep and relax a little bit. im not sure though.

well enjoy your sleep my dears,

XoXo BabyyGurl!!!

Milkshakes anyone???

I gotta RAT!!! yes a rat. like the little cratures with a tail that run around the streets eatting anything and everything they can get their paws on. yep a rat. only my rat is cute, nice, and friendly. he doesnt bite. and hes small and adorable.

Milkshake eatting a piece of dog food!!!

his name is milkshake. well it is rite now. that may change at any moment when me and my roommate think of something better. but for now he is Milkshake. why? because for the last atleast a month we have been feening for milkshakes from Denny's. we have tryed multiple times to get them but you see we have a few problems:
A. lack of money to buy them!
B. no one will take us to get them!
yes we could walk but we still have no money, so we need someone to drive us and also pay for them, quite the delima. so we decided to name the rat Milkshake as like an inside joke.

but he is really cute. every time we open the cage he is always rite at the door way trying to climb out. and he doesnt bite!!! which is amazing because we can hold him.

i got him, his huge cage, a wheel, a food dish, a water bottle, a full bag of bedding, and a little bit of treats for only $20. when at the store bran new all of it would probably be like $200. so im really excited!

im going to teach him tricks like to come to his name, to fetch, and anything else you can teach a rat. its going to be really fun!

did you know that you can get rats nutured??? i just learned this today. so i think i am going to get him nutured, becuase it keeps down that gross smell of urine and also keeps them from doing boyish behaviors, it also helps with aggression(which is not his problem). im going to call around to different vets in my area and see if they even nuture rats and how much it will cost. its going to be very interesting to see what i find out!

i like him a lot. he is quite cute and entertaining! he just makes my life better!

well goodnight loves,

XoXo BabyyGurl!!!

     

A Call From Jonny!!!!

so yesterday Jonny called me. not from an illegal cell phone in the prison but from a prison pay phone. he used his friends account to call his friends wife and she 3 wayd the call over to me.

it made me so happy hearing from him. i hadnt heard his voice in like 5 months. it instintly put a smile on my face and gave me butterflies. but it also made me miss him so much more. like i wanted to be able to be next to him but i couldnt. but still im really glad i got to hear from him. he is doing really good(well for being in prison). he says the prison he is in now is a lot better then High Desert.

he took his GED test last week and finds out if he passed next week. if he did pass he could be getting out in may instead of july. so i really hope he passed. im pretty sure he did. but im not getting my hopes up, im still saying he is getting out in july just incase.

i really hope he calls again soon or is able to because it will make things alot easier. even if i can only talk to him for 12 minutes. its still really nice hearing his voice. it reassures me that everything is going to be ok.

5 more months! thats all that is left now. 5 more months!!!

well live on young ones

BabyyGurl!!!

Fear Factor!!!

im sitting here with my cuzin Tristen watching Fear Factor! they are currently eatting scorpions. i cant imagine what that must be like. to feel them inside your mouth squirming around and stinging you. the gross taste of their blood ang guts surrounding your mouth. ewww gross!!!! icky icky no no!!!
my cuzin is freaking out with how gross it is. eatting those little creatures. its quit entertaining.

earlier we watched one where they had to drink coffee with either, flys, tomato worms, or stink bugs, and sour milk. it was so gross. i dont even want to think about what it would be like to have to drink that. i would think that the flys would be the easiest because they were dead so they couldnt fly away. they would be easiest because they wouldnt be squirming around. the tomato bugs would be the worst because they are so big and gross. plus i can just imagine the noise and the feeling of biting into these gross little bigs, the queeck!!! it would be terrible. the stink bugs would be really gross also because they would be crunch and smelly. ewwww!!!!!

another episode we watched they had to search in a pool of cows blood and find cow hearts. then they took turns using theyre mouths to throw the hearts into a bucket about 2 feet away from the pool. it looked so cross. a big pool of cows blood. ewww!!!! like a crime scene. and thinking about having a cows heart in your mouth is pretty gross also. not as gross as the other two things i dont think but thats only because i have a massive fear of bugs! expecially spiders!!!!

if i ever had to do anything like that with spiders i think i would cry and scream. maybe have a heart attack and die!!! i hate those little 8 legged creatures! with like 200 eyes that all stare at you! and it seems like every time i find one in my house or where ever they chase me and stare at me. i get all grossed out and feel like they are crawling on me! i dont like touching the ground and jump up on the nearest thing tpo me. thinking this will keep the thing away, but in all reality they climb. i start screaming and throwing things which make the thing move even more and makes my screaming even worse. usually someone will get a shoe or something and squish it. but even then i dont like going near the area it was and think that more are going to come out of everywhere and try to kill me.  they are the worst things in the world!!! i will never like them and never want anything to do with them.
i have a feeling that if i were to actually make it onto Fear Factor one day i would have to do something with spiders. maybe lay in a pool with them crawling around on me. ok i need to stop thinking about this because now i am starting to get all freaked out! ewww!!!

so pretty much Fear Factor is the craziest show in the world. crazyy crazzy stuff man!!! and the people that actually go on there is even crazier!!! why would they do that! and only for $50,000 its rediculous! id want atleast $100,000! maybe that would do it. i dont know. not if it was spiders though. nope nope nope! im good thank you and have a nice day. you can find someone else to participate in your games you wanna be Jig Saw!

well im going to stop blogging about this now before i gross myself out so much i dont want to eat any dinner.

live on my Loves

XoXo BabyyGurl!!!